Yes, I am a gay man living in China. This is not something I normally advertise (so why post it online stupid!), but I am also no coward and certainly not in the closet. I’ve found that Chinese gay life rarely gets written about and that needs to change. With this blog that change begins now.
Same + Sex + Love
As a young American man making a living in China people often think I’m here to nab some hot Chinese woman, have sex with her, and get married so we can have lots of cute half Chinese half Anglo Saxon babies. Nothing could be farther from the truth (except than half American half Chinese babies are extremely cute). Chinese people just don’t see a gay man when they look at me and it’s the same for everyone else. Even super queeny gay guys in China are not seen as gay, very different from America’s old macho-man society. Every man in China is expected to get married and have children (most gay men seem to do this too) so people never expect you to be gay. Even still, there is a gay culture and society in China and I need to talk about this culture and how I, as an American liberal from gay-loving Massachusetts, get along in China. It’s not all Pride parades (not at all actually, at least not until the first Gay Pride in mainland China next month in Shanghai), but it’s also not as horrendous as some might think and not as bad as living in some parts of America.
As I was saying, the old story goes like this: foreign men come to China to find Chinese girlfriends. Everyone here in China seems to buy into this idea. I’ve been asked to kiss drunk Chinese girls for people’s cameras, been given random girl’s numbers, been brought to lewd shows where girls in nurse uniforms spread their legs for fat cigarette smoking businessmen, offered heterosexual sex for money, hit on by woman in internet bars etc etc. I’m really fed up with it all. If I could I would tell every person I know in this massive country that I am attracted to men not woman, but alas life is not that easy. The closet that Chinese society keeps gays in is usually locked tight, barely a glint of light coming in. My general rule is to keep my mouth shut until it seems it’s okay to say something.
Lately, after almost nine months in Hunan, this is starting to wear on me. Over Thanksgiving I visited some friends in the small rural city of Ningyuan. While we ate our meal of blood duck and deep-fried pumpkin balls the conversation turned to what you hate the most about living in China (we were all Americans). I gave a simplistic answer without really thinking about it, but now I know that one of the worst things about living in China is being forced to stay in the closet. Back in America I revel in being able to speak about my sexuality openly, here I often fume in silence being unable to do so.
While I’m sounding rather negative here China is not in fact a lost cause for the gay community, in a country of 1.4 billion or so people there are many gay people, tens of millions when you think about it. In cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and cities outside of China with predominately Chinese populations like Singapore, there are thriving populations of happy gay people that are open about their sexuality. I’ve met some of them and while they almost all live in the big closet we are all stuffed into they are not full of despair and second guessing their natural feelings. However, this is not always the case.
In Huaihua, where I live and teach, I have some gay and bisexual male friends. While they are open enough to tell me about their sexuality they are still stuck in the far back of the closet, just as our city is stuck far behind others in China’s breakneck development. They are scared and unhappy, like I was once. They put their hand to my mouth when I mention anything gay around others. Some of them live dangerous lives that lead to no clear end. Even my closest gay friend here in Huaihua, who is far more accepting of himself, has well-founded fears and watches what he says closely in the company of most people. His worries about losing his job, what his parents would think, and losing his straight friends. Living this way has lots of negative consequencs. When you know that you can never marry or be open in society with the person you love and that your life will be one long lie you don’t worry about long term goals like maintaining good health and finding a career. Sadly some gay men in China live such lives.
When Oscar Wilde brought a case of libel against his lover’s father for calling him a “sodomite,” thereby bringing public attention and scorn to his sexuality, people called him an idiot for not running away to Paris to avoid public shame. These days gay men know that a life of running away and hiding, a life of marriage without love, and a life of pretending add up to a life of sadness and despair, just as Mr. Wilde knew – though his fate after leaving this life was sadly tragic. This is the life that many of gay men in smaller cities like Huaihua and in the countryside have to live. But wait, this all sounds awful so how do my gay friends still manage to lead generally pleasant lives? The answer, I think, is that homosexuality while being disliked in China is not altogether forbidden and unheard of. There is a big difference between China and the world’s worst countries for a homosexual to live in (think Saudi Arabia, Jamaica and the like).
In China because of the religious make up of the country and the State’s suppression of religious growth (especially with the younger generations) homophobia doesn’t come from deeply held religious beliefs like it does in much of America. Christianity has a growing place in China and Confucianism and Taoism do not support homosexuality, yet still homosexuality is not a hot topic for religious groups here like, again, it is in the United States. It seems to me it’s mostly due to people not understanding homosexuality (many people still believe that homosexuality doesn’t exist in China) and the fact that the traditional Confucian focus on marriage and having a family are still very strong in China. You must also remember that homosexuality (especially male homosexuality) has a long and happy history in China. Even the ultra-famous poet Qu Yuan, whose suicide in honor of his country will be celebrated this week (in English we know this holiday as the Dragon Boat Festival), was believed to be gay. So it would be hard to argue that Chinese society and religion cannot accept homosexuality. And as it turns out this is the case.
While homosexuality was still considered a mental illness as recently as 2001 in China and sodomy was illegal until 1997 the country seems to be making a lot of progress in my mind. In large cities there are thriving LGBT communities and organizations that support them. In Shanghai next month mainland China’s very first Gay Pride will take place. The Chinese State’s English newspaper the China Daily has even been highlighting gay rights lately. Last month the profiled a father who reacted badly to learning that his son is gay (he wanted to kill him with a knife) and then decided to join a volunteer group that helps parents deal with the news that their child is homosexual. The story is titled “Living Free.” Other articles the China Daily has published about homosexuality include one on people helping gay men with AIDS and one on the people ffighting to legitimize gay marriage in China. These articles don’t demonize homosexuals and in fact they seem to predict a future of greater acceptance of homosexuals in China. As one man said to the China Daily about coming out:
“It is not that I am not courageous enough, rather the society is not yet ready for such an open revelation.
“But I can see it is coming.”
I like to believe that that day is coming faster than we think. More on this subject coming soon.
An interesting insight into something that I must admit I hadn’t really thought about much before (despite living here for almost two years). I admire your boldness and hope that Chinese society will change for the better and not the worse
I recall that I went to a gay pride parade a few years back in San Fran to meet a friend and I was totally disgusted at what some people are wearing, or not wearing. Some lesbians are topless having nipple rings. Some guys have no clothes at all showing off their pierced penis. I never forget that image and if they dress up like that in China, don’t be surprised that gays will be cracked down like the Falun Gong.
FYI, I’m not gay and happily married with kids. But I understand why some gays chose to be in the closet and why they could not tell their parents that they are gay. I think that the government being more tolerant toward gays socially and politically in China is a good thing.
Hi Jonathan,
Since you’re following gay issues in China I thought these stories might be relevant (from old site’s archives):
http://bjtoday.ynet.com/attachment.db?46139830
http://bjtoday.ynet.com/article.jsp?oid=49544291
Hi Jon,
enjoy reading your thought. I am a Malaysian-Chinese guy working and living in the city of Suzhou. I very agree with your point of view.
Gay in China – some how you can see that there is a lot of peoples especially the gay younger generation seaching fun in the internet, but most of the activities are still very discreet and underground.
I found that younger generation realise that there are many gay in china, as they can see and read this in the internet; but they are not talking about it, as gay is still a sensitive issue in culture of China. Of course big city like Shanghai, Beijing, Shenzhen, more and more gay guys are coming out, but the number still small compare to the population.
I think the challenge for gay in China, is through some activities like Pride how could they let China realise their existance, they are same as other and we all need same right as other. Many countries in Europe and America already gone and break through that period of time, and still keep going on until now. For China will be a big challenge for the start kick off, especially older ground’s that their thinking are so concern about man should get marry and have children to continous the blood of family. However gay China should do something, I think they are on the way! Since after China open for to the world, way of Chinese thinking have been change a lot, and chinese seem quite adapt to the fast changing from economy, competativeness to traditional and conservative way of thinking; but at the same time, it will be the chanllege how Chinese could preserve the very original culture of Chinese – it is always very hard to balance.
Really look forward for the gay pride in Shanghai, and see the response of chinese society!
a very interesting post. Thank you!
I agree China doesn’t have regilious burden like the one Americans have. I remember one day a butch lady from a computer company which provides service to our university, had lunch with us. Everyone knows she is lesbian. but nobody thinks it’s a big deal. some even teased her about her relationship with another girl, who was present that day. I was amazed to see how open people in China are today.
I grew up in a small town, I had the exactly feeling like you described – hided deeply in the closet until I went for university in another bigger city. But still too many concerns stopped me from being the real me.
Now I’ve been living and working in Hangzhou for almost three years now, I came out to people in the office. Not something I would show off to, when people asked me why not have a GF, I just casually told them I’m not into girls.
I came out to my family 2 months ago over the phone, life is so much easier after I came out to them.
There is still a long way for Chinese society to accept such things, if people willing to open their mind, I think it will be so much easier.
I’m curious to know how generational the closet is. In Shenzhen, many young people (say 17 to 25) are much more openly gay than are older folks. Moreover, their peers seem better able to read gay versus straight coding. Have you seen something similar in Huaihua?
Mary Ann,
I definitely see the closet as a generational thing, especially here in Huaihua. Older men go out have boyfriends but they are almost all married, often with kids. The younger men I know have no plans to marry women and some hope to come out to their parents (no one I know here in Huaihua has done so). The younger men often have come out to their close friends, but they are still very careful. In Shenzhen I could imagine men (and women?) come out like H has in Hangzhou. In many cities life out of the closet has got to be better than life in the closet, not sure that we’ve reached that point here in western Hunan yet.
Shenzhen is unique in that many people here aren’t with their families; they have immigrated to the city for opportunities that aren’t as easily had in neidi. This allows people to do and try things in Shenzhen that they swear they would never do back home. Not only is gay culture a bit more open, but sexuality in general is also more open. Thus, I’m not sure who has and has not come out at home. Likewise, I don’t know how many young women have told their parents back home that they have been sexually active in Shenzhen. Also, I’ve found artists to be more openly gay and more accepting of homosexuality and lesbianism than other groups.
The article means you are gay? In fact,i haven’t classmates who dislike gay!
I am a chinese guy,gay also.Yeah,It’s so hard being gay.I need to hide in the closet.My mother said clearly to me,if you were gay,I would die.What else can I do?I can’t do anything hurt my mother.Sometimes,I was thinking I need to be myself and ignore what others say.But I can’t.Because If I do,I will lose everything,everything.I live a hard life,actually.
I’m chinese and good luck