Not a term you here everyday “homowives,” tongqi 同妻 in Chinese, refers to heterosexual women married to gay men. This is, of course, not a problem limited to China. Even democratic countries like the United States and Iran have the same issue. In my last post on homosexuality in China I mentioned how many gay men I’ve met here are married or plan to marry a woman and raise a family. This is due to the massive (MASSIVE!) pressure put on men of a certain age to get married and have children, hopefully a son. This is basic Chinese tradition: the family is the most important social group and to continue the family line a son must marry and have a son. Women are excluded from all of this because they leave their original family once they marry and join their husband’s family. In today’s world where everyone in China is entitled to only one child, if that child is male he had best get married before 30 or an unthinkable amount of leverage will be exerted by his parents and nearly everyone else to force him to. In China, as of right now, a gay man cannot easily come out of the closest and explain the situation to their family. No get out of jail free card here. As it turns out this means that 80% of gay men in China get married to women. Eighty freakin’ percent!
I was reading this translation on Shanghaiist the other day (a very pro-gay rights China blog, fyi) about this very subject. It’s a blogpost written by the “renowned sexologist and sociologist” Li Yinhe (李银河), the original Chinese version is here. She studied the phenomenon of Chinese homowives and brings to light their sad situation. Here is the translation in full (via Yawning Bread):
I attended a forum that discussed the problem of ‘homowives‘. The so-called ’homowife‘ (tongqi 同妻) is the wife (qi 妻) of a homosexual (tongzhi 同志). It has been said that China has 20 million male homosexuals, of whom 80 per cent would marry a woman. These women are the ’homowives‘, and there are 16 million of them.
The ‘homowife’ phenomenon is a phenomenon unique to China, seldom witnessed in other countries. In other countries, homosexuals would remain single or live together or marry other homosexuals. Very few would enter into a heterosexual marriage. This difference comes about because Chinese culture places such a great emphasis on marriage and reproduction, as to make them compulsory.
During my visit to Hungary, I found out that only 10 per cent of people of marriageable age got hitched. The rest fell into three categories: single, cohabiting (living together), LAT (lovers who live apart). In such a society, gay people do not have any need at all to enter into a heterosexual marriage. People would not gossip about them and parents do not apply pressure. Unfortunately our Chinese culture is oppressive with its dictum on men and women having to get married when they reach a certain age and naming the lack of progeny as the most serious breach of filial piety – “there are three kinds of unfilial behaviour and the greatest is have no descendant”. This has compelled an entire community of male homosexuals to marry women to have children.
The condition for ‘homowives’ is extremely tragic. At the seminar, there were ‘homowives’ who burst into tears as they spoke, leading all of them to hug each other for a good cry. Most days, they wash their faces with tears. I heard what I considered the most shocking testimony that from a woman who told of how she even doubted her ability to attract men — why wouldn’t her husband even want to look at her or touch her? Am I really that unworthy as a woman? She assumed that all men would treat her like that, not knowing that this is far from the truth. She did not dream that her husband would be gay. Under the circumstances, even the most beautiful and accomplished woman would not arouse him.
Homowives have started to get organized in an effort to help themselves and help others. They have started a website and a helpline to assist fellow women who have fallen into the same predicament.
Their highest priority is to prevent women from marrying homosexuals, help those who suspect the sexual orientation of their boyfriends to analyse their situation better; and in the event that the other party is a confirmed homosexual, to dissuade the woman from entering a marriage with the man.
Secondly, they would like to extend a helping hand to those women who are already married to homosexuals and who would like a divorce. This includes helping them to make up their minds, relieving the pressure on them and reduce the financial and psychological damage that comes with divorce.
Thirdly, they would like to address the problems of homowives who do not want a divorce for a variety of reasons. This would include helping them to analyse the cost of keeping such a marriage going, how to communicate with their husbands and how to get along with their children.
They proposed a slogan: ‘Homowife ends with me’. This slogan is full of hurt and also extends concern to those who may follow in their footsteps. The slogan gives one a feeling that it is a noble cause.
I hope the majority of male homosexuals do not enter into heterosexual marriages any more and spare a thought for the feelings of the homowife.
Before you go I’d like to add my two cents. First, as I said earlier this phenomenon is by no means just a Chinese issue but rather a global issue. Secondly I’d like to introduce two gay friends of mine here in China (anonymously of course). One is named Zhao, he is 41 years old, married and has a young child, the other is named Peng and is 27 years old unmarried but closeted.
Mr. Zhao found his wife through a matchmaker and barely knew her before they married; the wedding was planned by a friend and Mr. Zhao, from the start, placed little importance on his marriage. They had a child while living at Mr. Zhao’s parents house, where they are now. Mr. Zhao likes to drink way more than most Chinese people, but he has lots of friends (including some boyfriends) so going out drinking every night is easy. And in fact he does go out and drink every night, often ignoring his obligations as a father and husband. Not surprisingly Mr. Zhao spends very little time with his child or wife, whom he doesn’t particularly like and who doesn’t like him. The wife asks for a seperation, which is fine by Mr. Zhao, no one wants a divorce. They still live together. The sad life Mr. Zhao, his wife, and their child have together will probably continue for a long time.
Mr. Peng is a successful man still in his twenties but deffinitely old enough to get pressure to find a wife from all directions. Thus far his education and career, which he takes very seriously, have given him an easy out from the whole marriage idea. His parents respect what he is doing and do not pressure him to get married. Do they suspect he is gay? He thinks not since that would probably lead to his mom trying to break open his skull with a brick. He is from a younger generation than Mr. Zhao and has firmly decided never to marry a woman. Mr. Peng can see why it is a dumb idea and from experience he know’s that is bad situation for the wife. This knowledge isn’t limited to homosexual men and their wives either, straight men all over China have affairs and Mr. Peng has seen the problems that causes.
Mr. Peng is educated about homosexuality, comfortble with who he is, out to a few friends, reads and watches what life is like for gay men outside of China on the internet, and all of this has lead him to believe he can find the man of his dreams and lead a happy life. However, he sees Chinese society’s issues surrounding homosexuality as irreversable and does not expect to ever come out to his parents or co-workers and sees a homosexual relationship as something that should be kept secret.
Where does this all lead? From where I’m sitting it just doesn’t look too good for anyone. When the modern gay rights movement in America started over 40 years ago the problem was the closet. In today’s China we have the same problem. Gay people cannot change anything, especially their own misery, unless they come out of the closet. This is still an unthinkable step for most gay men in China and because of that there will be many many more homowives in China’s future, all living another form of misery caused by society’s intollerance.
